Lessons I Learned From My Mom

When my phone rang about 9 am last Monday morning, I knew it was the last call I would ever want to answer, but it would be a message that I wanted to know. The nurse from the Kelly House was on the other end of the line to tell me they had called hospice in because Mom had declined and the family should get there. As much as I hated hearing her say that, I had been with Mom the night before and though no one had yet put it into words, I knew that call would be coming any time. I did what I think my mom would want me to do. I grabbed my daughter from her classroom, informed Mom’s family members of what the nurse had said, and drove the longest 4 mile drive I’d ever taken between North Fairview and the Kelly House, even though Emily later said “you were driving really fast.”

I was fortunate to be the first one there and have a few minutes with just my daughter and my mom, together, just the three of us, for the last time. I spent that time telling my mom so many things that I won’t repeat now because I know I couldn’t. But they were things I wanted to make sure Mom knew.

Sitting with Mom in the early hours of Tuesday, November 6, I realized there was so much more that Mom should know. Like all she had taught me and how important those things were and always will be. Shortly after her passing, as I sat in her room with my brothers and sisters, I told them one of the thoughts I’d had. Now the ideas I have at 2:00 in the morning probably shouldn’t always be plans we follow through with, but for some reason, those people listen to their little sister. And I know I’ve got 3 people right here in the audience looking at me that are probably still muttering “I can’t believe you thought we should talk at Mom’s funeral like we did at Dad’s.” Dad had requested that we do it. Dad was full of stories and experiences. But we had previously all agreed there was no way we could do this at Mom’s funeral because it would be too emotional. But as I sat with Mom through her last night on earth, I kept looking at her thinking, if I did it for Dad, I can do it for you. And I knew that in my heart because my mom showed by example that you did things even if they were hard. In fact, there were so many lessons that my mom taught me, those are what I really want to share today.

There are a few things she taught me that I haven’t done the best at and she made them seem so easy. Gardening, for instance. She could have a hundred different plants and flowers growing and they always looked spectacular. I can grow petunias. Well, as long as Fred waters them for me. But I can definitely pick them out and put them in a pot for him to take care of.

Dishes were another thing. There is very rarely a day that has gone by in my adult life that I don’t walk through my kitchen hearing my mom’s voice say, “never go to bed with dirty dishes.” Now she’s watching over me and she knows the number of days I go to bed with all of my dishes done is about equal to the number of days I can keep a plant alive with no outside support.

There were some bigger life lessons that Mom shared with me through her example that I think I do a little better at than those. I know I don’t reach the high bar she set, but I strive to follow her. For instance, everyone should feel at home when they are at your house. No one was ever a stranger at Mom’s house. She welcomed everybody and insisted they help themselves to anything they wanted.

She was also an expert at not giving unwarranted advice. If you wanted her opinion, you could definitely ask her, but she never forced her thoughts on you. Instead she supported you and believed in you to make your own choices in life. And she was always there no matter the outcome.

I was so lucky that she went to work to coincide with me going to school. Because of this, I also got to see her share some lessons in a work environment. She started working in the Pleasant Hill kitchen when I started elementary school, and later added time at Seaman so I saw her there too. I was never the embarrassed teenager who wouldn’t stop and see my mom when she was at work. But that was probably in part because everyone loved her there. My friends would stop and see her too. In the past few months, I’ve heard so many times of how much people loved seeing her smile and how she was the best lunch lady ever. I believe she was friendly to everyone and made everyone feel like she did at home—you’re not a stranger, you’re part of her family.

The biggest lesson is one that I think reflects in the children she raised. Family is everything. She stayed home with us when we were all little because we were the focus of her life. We spent all of our free time at her parents’ house, again her showing the example that life is about family. She cared for her parents until the end and set that example for us. There was never any question that her kids would do all we could for her.

She showed us that even when marriage isn’t perfect, it is worth sticking with it and keeping your family strong because the good times outweigh the bad. She also showed us that when someone new joins your family, they are not a new family member--they are a piece of the puzzle that makes us complete. This year has made it even more clear than before that Linda, Kim, Chris, and Fred weren’t her in-laws. They too were her kids. The way all 4 of them pitched in and took care of my mom and my dad along our sides showed me how deeply the love went both ways. There have been days when I’ve looked especially at Linda and Kim and known many times, they have done more for my parents than I was able to.

2018 was not an easy year for anyone in our family. From day 1 on January 1 when Karla and I sat in a freezing hospital with Dad to day 310 when we all sat with Mom at the Kelly House on her last day, its not been a year anyone could expect. We do know for our parents, their pain and suffering is over and they can be together again. The memories I keep of my dad will include experiences. Touring the artwork at Stormont Vail and building something new to show us. While I have many memories of experiences with my mom, my memories of her will be what I will try to live every day. And I can look at my brothers and Karla and see pieces of Mom in them. Only someone like Mom would have devoted so much of themselves over the past 11 months to Mom and Dad like my siblings have. Only someone like Mom would be as supportive and faithful as my siblings are. Maybe if you put all of us together, we could be almost as close to perfect as she was. She may be gone from our daily lives, but each of us will continue to live on with her example to guide us.