Christopher Robin
Christopher Robin: I've cracked.
Winnie The Pooh: Oh, I don't see any cracks. A few wrinkles, maybe.
2018 has definitely added some wrinkles for me. Anyone who knows me well knows relating my life to a Disney movie would be what I would do. A week ago today, it was my 44th birthday. It was the last Sunday before my oldest son left for college. It was the last Sunday I would see my Dad having normal, effortless conversations, the best he could in his state of health. It was the day I saw a Disney movie I had greatly anticipated since Ashley showed me the movie trailer months ago. And that movie was the movie that best fit last week.
Our Sunday began at church followed by a visit to Rolling Hills to see my mom on my birthday. Fortunately, Keith and Linda had taken Dad out to see Mom so they were all there too. It's always nicer to have more people together so I really was glad to have my parents at the same place on my birthday. They haven't seen each other much since Mom's last round of chemo. After our visit, Fred, the kids, and I went to do a little shopping for my birthday and Zach's last minute needs for his dorm room before we went to the movie theater. We were finally going to see Christopher Robin. That was one of the things I most looked forward to on my birthday--that movie with my family.
No one warned me about the movie. The first 10 minutes were awful. There was a moment there I really thought in my head, "We should leave. I can't watch this." The movie wasn't what was awful. But the things happening in the movie and how they related to my life were too much for me to handle. I've cried at a Disney movie before. Toy Story 3? If you don't cry when Andy packs up the toys and leaves Buzz and Woody behind on his path to college, you clearly don't have the emotional attachment to those toys that I do. But Winnie the Pooh characters seemed safe to me. A chubby old cubby stuffed with fluff and my favorite depressed donkey. They always bring smiles to my face. Here's a spoiler alert for the next part of this post--but I'm only giving away what happens in the beginning. It may save someone else from seeing this movie at the wrong time emotionally. Christopher Robin is preparing to leave for boarding school. You know, moving away from his home, his parents, and Pooh and friends. They are sad he's leaving. Pooh and friends throw a goodbye party for him. And me? I'm sitting in a movie theater with my oldest son on my left who is leaving for college just three days later. Before we arrived at the movie theater, we bought a futon for his dorm. And just like that, tears are streaming down my face because the goodbye party for Christopher Robin is too much for me. I'm sure there were touching parts of the movie that happened, but I was busy telling myself to get it under control because no one cries at a Winnie the Pooh movie, especially not in the first 5 minutes. But then the next 5 happened.
Christopher Robin's life goes on. He has moved onto boarding school, leaving the Hundred Acre Wood in his past. What happens while he's at boarding school? His dad dies. Now, I had just left my parents a couple of hours earlier. But my parents have had serious declines in their health over the past 8 months and it's been horrible to watch. My dad has had heart problems since I was 8 years old. There have been many times that we thought maybe he wasn't going to make it much longer. But this year, I remember talking to my sister in January that Dad probably wouldn't make to another Christmas. Maybe we've said that before but at 82 years old, his problems were definitely taking a toll. But on my wedding anniversary, June 7, and also the day of Uncle Albert's funeral, my brother Kevin took Dad to the hospital because it was such a struggle for him to breath. My family was in California at the time but my siblings kept me updated. It turned out Dad had congestive heart failure and his heart wasn't working well enough to keep his organs completely functioning. He was clearly retaining fluid, as you could see in his feet and legs. But there were things inside we couldn't see that he could definitely feel. He was not talking loud enough for anyone to hear anymore. The hospital visit showed us that because his kidneys couldn't remove the fluid from his body, all that fluid was just filling up other parts of his body, including his lungs. Thanks to medication and a needle inserted into his lungs, they were able to remove several liters of fluid from his body so that he felt better. He was able to go home on the following Monday, the day before I finally came home from my vacation. The doctor sent him with medication to try to keep the fluid from building up and I'm sure dietary recommendations that he would never follow. In one of his last conversations he would ever have, he told his hospice doctor that he listened to what doctors had to say but he usually knew better what to do. She had a great sense of humor and asked what his professional opinion was in his current case. We all had a good laugh.
Dad's stay at home lasted about 3-4 weeks before he needed to go into the hospital again because of fluid build up. This time, he went into the hospital on July 6, Kevin's birthday and Keith & Linda's anniversary. Mom had gone into the hospital also that day so we were working to get everyone covered and taken care of. Linda took Dad to the VA where she and Keith spent their anniversary evening. That was a Friday. I was able to take him home after they did the same procedures a few days later. But that day when he got home, he was not happy with how things were going. The fix was temporary. He hated hospitals. The doctor told him he shouldn't be living alone, but he told them his daughters would take care of him. Except we weren't able to be there 24 hours a day. He had previously started having Midland Home Health come in occasionally, and when the Midland person came to check in the day after he came home from the hospital, he decided he was never going back to the hospital. So we knew time was limited because his body wasn't going to be able to keep up much longer without medical intervention.
So back to August 12. In the movie theater, I'm trying to pull it together from the boy leaving home scene. And Christopher Robin is sitting on the step at school crying because he has just learned his dad died. My dad hasn't died at this point in time, but apparently the movie I saw on Sunday represented the life I was going to live that week. I dropped my son off on Wednesday and Dad died on Friday. I cried and cried at the beginning of that movie. I didn't get up and leave--the movie got better. But the emotional trauma at the beginning was about too much for me to handle. In real life, I've had to handle it too. We left Zach at his dorm and he appears to have had a good start at KU. We took Dad to the hospice house on Thursday, and he died on Friday. Christopher Robin's life went on, things got better. He had his family and his friends to carry him through the tough times. And fortunately, I've got mine too.
Winnie The Pooh: What should happen if you forget about me?
Young Christopher Robin: Silly old bear. I wouldn't ever forget about you, Pooh, I promise. Not even when I'm a hundred.
Winnie The Pooh: Oh, I don't see any cracks. A few wrinkles, maybe.
2018 has definitely added some wrinkles for me. Anyone who knows me well knows relating my life to a Disney movie would be what I would do. A week ago today, it was my 44th birthday. It was the last Sunday before my oldest son left for college. It was the last Sunday I would see my Dad having normal, effortless conversations, the best he could in his state of health. It was the day I saw a Disney movie I had greatly anticipated since Ashley showed me the movie trailer months ago. And that movie was the movie that best fit last week.
Our Sunday began at church followed by a visit to Rolling Hills to see my mom on my birthday. Fortunately, Keith and Linda had taken Dad out to see Mom so they were all there too. It's always nicer to have more people together so I really was glad to have my parents at the same place on my birthday. They haven't seen each other much since Mom's last round of chemo. After our visit, Fred, the kids, and I went to do a little shopping for my birthday and Zach's last minute needs for his dorm room before we went to the movie theater. We were finally going to see Christopher Robin. That was one of the things I most looked forward to on my birthday--that movie with my family.
No one warned me about the movie. The first 10 minutes were awful. There was a moment there I really thought in my head, "We should leave. I can't watch this." The movie wasn't what was awful. But the things happening in the movie and how they related to my life were too much for me to handle. I've cried at a Disney movie before. Toy Story 3? If you don't cry when Andy packs up the toys and leaves Buzz and Woody behind on his path to college, you clearly don't have the emotional attachment to those toys that I do. But Winnie the Pooh characters seemed safe to me. A chubby old cubby stuffed with fluff and my favorite depressed donkey. They always bring smiles to my face. Here's a spoiler alert for the next part of this post--but I'm only giving away what happens in the beginning. It may save someone else from seeing this movie at the wrong time emotionally. Christopher Robin is preparing to leave for boarding school. You know, moving away from his home, his parents, and Pooh and friends. They are sad he's leaving. Pooh and friends throw a goodbye party for him. And me? I'm sitting in a movie theater with my oldest son on my left who is leaving for college just three days later. Before we arrived at the movie theater, we bought a futon for his dorm. And just like that, tears are streaming down my face because the goodbye party for Christopher Robin is too much for me. I'm sure there were touching parts of the movie that happened, but I was busy telling myself to get it under control because no one cries at a Winnie the Pooh movie, especially not in the first 5 minutes. But then the next 5 happened.
Christopher Robin's life goes on. He has moved onto boarding school, leaving the Hundred Acre Wood in his past. What happens while he's at boarding school? His dad dies. Now, I had just left my parents a couple of hours earlier. But my parents have had serious declines in their health over the past 8 months and it's been horrible to watch. My dad has had heart problems since I was 8 years old. There have been many times that we thought maybe he wasn't going to make it much longer. But this year, I remember talking to my sister in January that Dad probably wouldn't make to another Christmas. Maybe we've said that before but at 82 years old, his problems were definitely taking a toll. But on my wedding anniversary, June 7, and also the day of Uncle Albert's funeral, my brother Kevin took Dad to the hospital because it was such a struggle for him to breath. My family was in California at the time but my siblings kept me updated. It turned out Dad had congestive heart failure and his heart wasn't working well enough to keep his organs completely functioning. He was clearly retaining fluid, as you could see in his feet and legs. But there were things inside we couldn't see that he could definitely feel. He was not talking loud enough for anyone to hear anymore. The hospital visit showed us that because his kidneys couldn't remove the fluid from his body, all that fluid was just filling up other parts of his body, including his lungs. Thanks to medication and a needle inserted into his lungs, they were able to remove several liters of fluid from his body so that he felt better. He was able to go home on the following Monday, the day before I finally came home from my vacation. The doctor sent him with medication to try to keep the fluid from building up and I'm sure dietary recommendations that he would never follow. In one of his last conversations he would ever have, he told his hospice doctor that he listened to what doctors had to say but he usually knew better what to do. She had a great sense of humor and asked what his professional opinion was in his current case. We all had a good laugh.
Dad's stay at home lasted about 3-4 weeks before he needed to go into the hospital again because of fluid build up. This time, he went into the hospital on July 6, Kevin's birthday and Keith & Linda's anniversary. Mom had gone into the hospital also that day so we were working to get everyone covered and taken care of. Linda took Dad to the VA where she and Keith spent their anniversary evening. That was a Friday. I was able to take him home after they did the same procedures a few days later. But that day when he got home, he was not happy with how things were going. The fix was temporary. He hated hospitals. The doctor told him he shouldn't be living alone, but he told them his daughters would take care of him. Except we weren't able to be there 24 hours a day. He had previously started having Midland Home Health come in occasionally, and when the Midland person came to check in the day after he came home from the hospital, he decided he was never going back to the hospital. So we knew time was limited because his body wasn't going to be able to keep up much longer without medical intervention.
So back to August 12. In the movie theater, I'm trying to pull it together from the boy leaving home scene. And Christopher Robin is sitting on the step at school crying because he has just learned his dad died. My dad hasn't died at this point in time, but apparently the movie I saw on Sunday represented the life I was going to live that week. I dropped my son off on Wednesday and Dad died on Friday. I cried and cried at the beginning of that movie. I didn't get up and leave--the movie got better. But the emotional trauma at the beginning was about too much for me to handle. In real life, I've had to handle it too. We left Zach at his dorm and he appears to have had a good start at KU. We took Dad to the hospice house on Thursday, and he died on Friday. Christopher Robin's life went on, things got better. He had his family and his friends to carry him through the tough times. And fortunately, I've got mine too.
Winnie The Pooh: What should happen if you forget about me?
Young Christopher Robin: Silly old bear. I wouldn't ever forget about you, Pooh, I promise. Not even when I'm a hundred.
Awesome summary of this past week. Funny how things hit us. I was singing with the congregation I attended in Iowa and found emotion with three different songs. Crazy how emotions sneak up on you.
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